Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
