My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
