if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
