I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I want a musical about memes.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
