Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
