he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
