just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
