Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
