You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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