meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Vodka?
Forever.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
