6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Randomize
