His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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