I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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