You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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