I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
