my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
