Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
