don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
