The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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