I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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