No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
