used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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