Im at strip club and am horny
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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