take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
