I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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