At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
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