I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
