I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
i believe in u and ur pee
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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