I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
