It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
how do you play pong handcuffed?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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