hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
