Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I deserve this hangover.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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