Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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