Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
