is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
