I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
