And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
