i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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