Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
