I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
