I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
