just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
you win again, gameday.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
