the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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