Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
