If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
