may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
