He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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