Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
