I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
