i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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