Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
