I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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