Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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