it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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