the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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