Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
