Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I wish I only lived at night.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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