I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
How does one acquire holy water?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
